“The low-maintenance woman, the ideal woman, has no appetite. This is not to say that she refuses food, sex, romance, emotional effort; to refuse is petulant, which is ironically more demanding. The woman without appetite politely finishes what’s on her plate, and declines seconds. She is satisfied and satisfiable.
A man’s appetite can be hearty, but a woman with an appetite is always voracious: her hunger always overreaches, because it is not supposed to exist. If she wants food, she is a glutton. If she wants sex, she is a slut. If she wants emotional care-taking, she is a high-maintenance bitch or, worse, an “attention whore”: an amalgam of sex-hunger and care-hunger, greedy not only to be fucked and paid but, most unforgivably of all, to be noticed.”
Christ, this article made me legit well up in tears at work…
“Women talk ourselves into needing less, because we’re not supposed to want more—or because we know we won’t get more, and we don’t want to feel unsatisfied. We reduce our needs for food, for space, for respect, for help, for love and affection, for being noticed, according to what we think we’re allowed to have. Sometimes we tell ourselves that we can live without it, even that we don’t want it. But it’s not that we don’t want more. It’s that we don’t want to be seen asking for it. And when it comes to romance, women always, always need to ask.”
FOSTA/SESTA, Sex Trafficking, Sex Work and Censorship
I wanted to discuss the passage of FOSTA/SESTA a little bit more. In part because of the flaws that keep them from doing what they allege they will do, but also because of all of the consequences (intended and otherwise) that we can expect.
First a few basics. FOSTA (Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act introduced by Ann Wagner, R) comes from the House of Representatives, SESTA (Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Act introduced by Rob Portman, R) comes from the Senate. Combined, they have a very noble and important stated purpose; protecting victims of sex trafficking from being sold online and to allow them legal recourse if a site is proven to have facilitated their trafficking.
Additionally, FOSTA updates the Mann Act to make illegal “using or operating “a means of interstate or foreign commerce with the intent to promote or facilitate the prostitution of another person.”
FOSTA/SESTA targets online platforms like Backpage with the assertion that it and similar sites allow sex trafficking to flourish. However, they make no distinction between sex work and sex trafficking. There are big and important differences and a failure to understand those differences puts lives of both at risk
Advocates for trafficking victims and survivors of sex trafficking have spoken out against FOSTA/SESTA because for all it’s stated purpose, it does little to actually combat sex trafficking. Simply shutting down online platforms does nothing to stop the demand for sex trafficking, nor does it stop traffickers from simply seeking other venues. The laws fail to understand how sex trafficking works and that failure harms everyone.
How Victims/Survivors of Sex Trafficking are hurt by FOSTA/SESTA:
As online platforms close (you can see a running list here that includes Microsoft , Craigslist, Google Play, Instagram, Gmail etc), those who traffick will seek other means to sell their victims, as stated above. These other means are very often harder to identify and track, hampering investigations and allowing sex trafficking to flourish in the shadows.
Sex workers rely on the same online platforms mentioned in FOSTA/SESTA not only to advertise their services , but to screen clients and to communicate lists of dangerous clients with other sex workers. This is VITAL to their livelihoods and safety. In the days since the law passed, I’ve watched my sex worker friends and loved ones scramble- they are wondering how they are going to make rent, how they are going to afford to eat, how they are going to avoid being the next dead sex worker that people will ignore because society views sex workers as disposable and morally repugnant.
Because of its far reach, it leads to internet censorship. If you are fond of #MeToo, if you’ve been pleased to see people being held accountable instead of warned about in whispers via private lists, if you enjoy the fact that public outing of sexual predators is happening en masse right now or if you have told your own story as a survivor (or hope to do so in the future), you should be outraged, because these are the very things that will be censored.
So to summarize: FOSTA/SESTA does NOT stop sex trafficking, nor does it protect victims in any meaningful way. It puts their lives at further risk by forcing trafficking further underground.
FOSTA/SESTA actively endangers consensual sex workers, who make up the vast majority of sex advertising on the sites it attacks. It puts THEIR lives at risk by taking away all of the safety nets they have, forcing their work underground.
It also hurts you by allowing for censorship of the most disenfranchised voices, including yours. And it chips away at basic internet information freedom, which is crucial in fighting rape culture and keeping information available .
Educate yourself as much as you can about FOSTA/SESTA and then share that knowledge with other people. You can listen to those most harmed by FOSTA/SESTA by following Twitter hashtags #LetUsSurvive and #SurvivorsAgainstSESTA, both of which feature sex trafficking survivors and sex workers currently dealing with the fallout.
Sex trafficking is a problem that needs to be addressed, but FOSTA/SESTA is not the way.
One of my least favourite dialogue tropes is when a man tells a woman, “You can’t do that” or “I wouldn’t do that if I were you” and she says, “Why? Because I’m a woman and therefore too weak to handle this/can’t take care of myself?” or something to that effect and the guy replies with, “No, because everyone who tried that ended up with a bullet in their brain” or something equally reasonable and not gender-specific that paints him as the rational not sexist guy and the woman as an irrational paranoid feminist who searches for sexism in everything. This whole scenario is built on the idea that sexism is over and women’s fears and suspicions don’t have a leg to stand on. It’s also self-congratulatory pseudofeminism bc it’s supposed to make the viewer/reader/listener feel that in this specific work of fiction women are treated respectfully and as equal with men.
huh.. never thought of it like that
But, what if the male character isn’t sexist? I meam…their fictional sure but…I’m not sure how to phrase this
Its not a question of the character themselves- its how the writers are portraying them. The way this trope plays out, the whole moment revolves around the woman looking foolish for assuming that there is sexism happening. She is characterized as being irrational, jumping to conclusions, even insecure. While the dude is characterized as the calm, rational one.
It is a trope that specifically works by taking a woman standing up to sexism and saying “haha it wasnt actually sexist at all! Isnt calling out sexism foolish and silly. Thats what you get for assuming that men are sexist!”
> The college I attended was small and very LGBT friendly. One day someone came to visit and used the word “gay” as a pejorative, as was common in the early 2000s. A current student looked at the visitor and flatly said, “we don’t do that here.” The guest started getting defensive and explaining that they weren’t homophobic and didn’t mean anything by it. The student replied, “I’m sure that’s true, but all you need to know is we don’t do that here.” The interaction ended at that point, and everyone moved on to different topics. “We don’t do that here” was a polite but firm way to educate the newcomer about our culture. […]
> It turns out talking about diversity, inclusion, and even just basic civil behavior can be controversial in technical spaces. I don’t think it should be, but I don’t get to make the rules. When I’m able I’d much rather spend the time to educate someone about diversity and inclusion issues and see if I can change how they see the world a bit. But I don’t always have the time and energy to do that. And sometimes, even if I did have the time, the person involved doesn’t want to be educated.
> This is when I pull out “we don’t do that here.” It is a conversation ender. If you are the newcomer and someone who has been around a long time says “we don’t do that here”, it is hard to argue. This sentence doesn’t push my morality on anyone. If they want to do whatever it is elsewhere, I’m not telling them not to. I’m just cluing them into the local culture and values. If I deliver this sentence well it carries no more emotional weight than saying, “in Japan, people drive on the left.” “We don’t do that here” should be a statement of fact and nothing more. It clearly and concisely sets a boundary, and also makes it easy to disengage with any possible rebuttals.
> Me: “You are standing in that person’s personal space. We don’t do that here.”
> Them: “But I was trying to be nice.”
> Me: “Awesome, but we don’t stand so close to people here.”
> Them: Tells an off-color joke.
> Me: “We don’t do that here.”
> Them: “But I was trying to be funny.”
> Me (shrugging): “That isn’t relevant. We don’t do that here.”
I really really do want to endorse this. Making a person’s behavior about capital-M Morality is a great way to get people to dig in their feet and escalate situations. By going “Hey, that behavior doesn’t fit in this context.” it removes a ton of the resentment and toxicity on both sides of the interaction.
(First, I’m sorry this took so long to answer, anon! Life has been a bit overwhelming the last couple of months.)
I’m happy to delve into this a bit. Aging and such is something I think people need to talk about. Otherwise it can be scary sometimes. So for anyone curious, I will be turning 40 on my next birthday.
A little background. I’ve been part of fandom since I was 24 years old. Back then, fandom was a little different and instead of tolerating older fans, we embraced them. I remember going to a Harry Potter conference in 2007. I went to a fanfiction panel that had five women on it, all in their 40s and 50s. They were so happy and confident in their place in fandom and their friendships. It was absolutely beautiful to see.
I remember thinking I hope that’s me some day. Now, of course, things are different. I regularly see posts making fun of people over a certain age for still being in fandom.
We’re all going to get old some day. There’s no stopping that. But getting older doesn’t mean you suddenly lose interest in the things you love. You might have less time to geek out about them, but you’re not gonna lose interest.
I think the key is finding yourself little corner of fandom. Find some people around the same age as you. (For me, I consider ‘same age’ anyone over thirty. There is no upper limit.)
Then basically, once you have this corner, it’s time to say ‘fuck it.’ That might sound harsh, but I refuse to let anyone take away something that makes me happy. Gaming and reading and writing fanfic brings me a ridiculous amount of joy. It’s helped me make friends from all over the world.
Do not let anyone take away your joy. You have just as much of a right to be in fandom as anyone else. And anon, you’re always welcome in my little corner of fandom!
Listen, nonnie. I have been in fandom since I
was 14? 15? and I turn 36 tomorrow. This is a thing that has been part
of me for more than half my life. I don’t know how old you are, but when
I was first starting out in fandom, it was considered a grown-up
pursuit. Sure there were places for under 18s, but the people who ran
the mailing lists, wrote the newsgroup FAQs, and paid for archive
hosting fees? All adults. It was… I don’t want to say unusual for
younger people to be in fandom, but it was made clear that you behaved
respectfully in community/adult spaces. Or you pretended (very badly) to
be an adult and the actual adults overlooked it.
It was super helpful to
me as a young-un to have older female fans to look up to, and know that
I could be an adult (whatever the fuck that means) and still have room
for hobbies and interests I loved. It was also helpful, just as a
person, to have a network of older women who were invested in my
well-being but not necessarily involved in my day to day life to turn
to. I am grateful for my fandom aunties, and I hope I can be there for
younger fans the same way.
I feel like a lot of the “Ew adults in fandom”
bullshit comes from younger fans who can barely conceive of reaching 30
as a non-abstract thing, and suffer from deep misapprehensions of what
adult life is like. Yes you have to deal with stupid things like
insurance and taxes, but you also have so much more freedom to enjoy the
things you love. I am also irritated by so many heteronormative
presumptions these people seem to have: you get married, have kids, and
become so incredibly boring nobody wants you in fandom anyways. Not
everybody gets married or has kids, and neither of those things makes
you boring, you make yourself boring. So find yourself some friends to
grow old with, and stick to them like limpets. If you can’t, find new
friends. I have found that in new fandoms, I tend to gravitate towards
people my age and older, even if I don’t know it at the time. If you’re
enthusiastic and kind, that’s honestly all most people require to start
talking. There is room for you in fandom always, no matter what age you
are.
and I just wanted to second all of it.
All of this. I myself did not discover fandom until I was just about to turn 30 – I didn’t even know what fandom even was before then, and I had no idea that fandom was supposedly not for people my age. It is a hobby like any other, and you’re not too old to have hobbies.
There’s a weird kind of ageist misogyny happening in fandom at the moment, where “women in their 30s and older” are seen by some as the enemy or simply as people who shouldn’t be here in fandom, but honestly – in my own experience, some of the best people I’ve met in fandom are older people; and older than me, a lot of the time: people who can bring their own wisdom and life experience to fandom and navigating the social aspect of fandom as well as fanfic/fanart in a way that many younger people (with a few exceptions, of course) do not yet have the wisdom and life experience to do.
I hope Anon sees this whole “you are too old to have the right to be in or enjoy fandom” stuff for what it is – ageism and misogyny. Because let’s face it, we never tell men of a certain age that they’re too old to enjoy whatever hobby they get really into – why should we do this for women? Why should we do this to ourselves?
There is this expectation in our society that women stop caring about their own needs once they started a family. People ask you how you’re doing and you’re expected to tell them how great your kids are doing in school. Your accomplishments are not your own, your partner and your kids are now your accomplishments.
It’s dangerous bullshit because it literally strips you of your personhood. You’re not a person anymore, you’re a care automaton, designed to care about the happiness of others.
Don’t fall for this. You don’t stop being your own person with your own interests just because you decided to move in with someone or even popped out a kid. You’re still you. Your interests may change but you don’t have to drop all the things you love and join the “clean house” or “best kid in class” fandom.
Women have lives outside of the care for family business. We still love fandom and we’re not going away.
Bonus: fandom olds can mentor the kids. I remember lying my way into message boards and even if no one offered to beta, I learned How To Community by example.
And it doesn’t stop with kids: @thebyrchentwigges dragged me out of my lurk, and a huge part of how I interact with y’all is due to her encouragement.
I want men to try and imagine going about your day–working, running, hiking, whatever–and not being allowed to wear pants under threats of violence or total social and economic exclusion.
That’s the kind of irrationally violent and controlling behaviour women have been up against.
Also for anyone who thinks it’s easy for women to be gender non conforming because we can wear pants.
The only reason we can is because we fought tooth and nail for the right to! Any rights we take for granted today we’re the result of a prolonged, bitter battle fought by our predecessors for every inch of territory gained. Never forget that.
Title IX (1972) declared that girls could not be required to wear skirts to school.
Women who were United States senators were not allowed to wear trousers on the Senate floor until 1993, after senators Barbara Mikulski and Carol Moseley Braun wore them in protest, which encouraged female staff members to do likewise.
This was never given to us. Women have had to fight just to be able to wear pants. Women who are still alive remember having to wear skirts to school, even in the dead of winter, when it was so cold that just having a layer of tights between them and the elements was downright dangerous. Women who remember not even being allowed to wear pants under their skirts, for no other reason than they were female.
So don’t talk about women wearing pants being gender nonconforming like it’s easy. It’s only less difficult now because your foremothers refused to comply.
My mother spent her entire school career up until high school having to wear skirts, no matter how horrible the New England winters got, because she was forbidden to do otherwise. There were times when the weather was bad where my grandmother kept her home rather than make her walk to and from the bus in a skirt.
They rebroadcast a few old interviews with Mary Tyler Moore, and in them she addressed the pants issue. There was a strict limit on what kind of pants she could wear (hence, always Capri pants, nothing masculine), and to use her words, how much cupping the pants could show. A censor would look at every outfit when she came out on stage, and if the pants cupped her buttocks too much, defining them rather than hiding them, then she had to get another pair.
A prime example of how gender is socially enforced.
Have you ever seen a twitter thread (or, in this case, two!) that so perfectly expressed everything you’d felt over months and months of harassment persistent? With all credit to @blackblobyellowcone, who is clearly amazing and completely gets it– not just why us women write and read the erotica that we do, but the history behind the censorship we, as a gender, have experienced. Bravo.
Queer Fiction Writer 