Sometimes people hit a place in their life where things are going really well. They like their job and are able to be productive at it; they have energy after work to pursue the relationships and activities they enjoy; they’re taking good care of themselves and rarely get sick or have flareups of their chronic health problems; stuff is basically working out. Then a small thing about their routine changes and suddenly they’re barely keeping their head above water.
(This happens to me all the time; it’s approximately my dominant experience of working full-time.)
I think one thing that’s going on here is that there are a bunch of small parts of our daily routine which are doing really important work for our wellbeing. Our commute involves a ten-minute walk along the waterfront and the walking and fresh air are great for our wellbeing (or, alternately, our commute involves no walking and this makes it way more frictionless because walking sucks for us). Our water heater is really good and so we can take half-hour hot showers, which are a critical part of our decompression/recovery time. We sit with our back to the wall so we don’t have to worry about looking productive at work as long as the work all gets done. The store down the street is open really late so late runs for groceries are possible. Our roommate is a chef and so the kitchen is always clean and well-stocked.
It’s useful to think of these things as load-bearing. They’re not just nice – they’re part of your mental architecture, they’re part of what you’re using to thrive. And when they change, life can abruptly get much harder or sometimes just collapse on you entirely. And this is usually unexpected, because it’s hard to notice which parts of your environment and routine are load bearing. I often only notice in hindsight. “Oh,” I say to myself after months of fatigue, “having my own private space was load-bearing.” “Oh,” after a scary drop in weight, “being able to keep nutrition shakes next to my bed and drink them in bed was load-bearing.” “Oh,” after a sudden struggle to maintain my work productivity, “a quiet corner with my back to the wall was load-bearing.”
When you know what’s important to you, you can fight for it, or at least be equipped to notice right away if it goes and some of your ability to thrive goes with it. When you don’t, or when you’re thinking of all these things as ‘nice things about my life’ rather than ‘load-bearing bits of my flourishing as a person’, you’re not likely to notice the strain created when they vanish until you’re really, really hurting.
Almost two weeks after reading this, and I’m still kind of blown away at what a ridiculously fruitful definition this is. Like I had no idea that load bearing things were a thing that needed to have a word for them, but now I’m like holy shit I’m so glad that there’s now a word I can use to refer to this really important class of Thing.
This is astounding. Load-bearing. Forget spoons, this concept is wonderful. I’m going to update my Spear Theory with this.
Tag: self-care
Oh heck, my meds.
Gentle reminder, take your meds/hydrate/eat a snack/go pee/ stretch out your back/go to bed if you need to.
It’s never too late to self care.
Something > Nothing
When I first arrived in fandom on AO3, I puttered around for a good long while, enjoying fic and figuring out where my niche was. I spent a couple years as a reader before posting anything new (I’d moved over old fanfic from another site, because it was going to go under, but that’s not quite the same thing). And, while I was there, getting the lay of the land and figuring out that holy shit, the Steter ship is where I wanna be!, I wound up a recognized name.
Specifically, for my commenting practises. Because I would sit down and devour a story, and then go full-on English major in the comment section, talking about metaphors and characterization and symbolism, about what I felt and character technique. To be clear, I wasn’t dumping unsolicited concrit on people who didn’t want it, I was genuinely positive and gushy about all the things I loved in the story I’d just read. I’d write whole paragraphs.
But, well. There was an issue with that–namely, that writing that sort of mini-essay takes a lot of time, and effort, and intellectual engagement. And that’s not a bad thing, necessarily, but I didn’t always have that kind of time or the energy it required, especially if I was comfort-reading as self-care on Bad Brain Days. And, since I didn’t want to give a writer less than my best, I tended not to comment.
But after being on Tumblr and hearing about how the AO3 comment culture is so hard to struggle through for so many people, with a dearth of comments and a loss of the sense of community that fandom is for, I realized my approach needed to change. I decided that, even if I couldn’t go on at length, something was better than nothing. Telling an author one (1) thing I loved about their story, or how it made me feel, or that their story was exactly what I needed today, or that I was back for a re-read because I just love this story so damn much, was better than silence. So I started trying to leave comments on at least 75% of what I read, even if it’s short.
I do still leave long, flaily, gushy comments, but I don’t put pressure on myself anymore. If I have the energy that day, or if someone wrote a fic and gifted it to me, or if I’m having a lot of thoughts about what I just read, or if a fan author has indicated that they’re unsure about this fic or their writing (or even having a really hard time of things) then I will go on a ramble in the comment section. But I’m trying to make this a positive place for everyone, and since comments are love, leaving more of them–spreading them around to more people, doing my best to encourage creators and appreciate the gifts they give us–feels like the best way to have a positive impact, while still being kind to myself, too.
Friendly reminder to take a break from Tumblr and do That Thing that you’ve been avoiding.
Friendly reminder, you don’t owe anyone your survivor status for them to treat you with civility and respect. That’s on them.
You do not need to relive your trauma for others to validate you. You do not need their validation or approval to exist.
And no, I don’t have to advocate and talk about it in a public forum if I don’t want to. That’s my choice, and you don’t get to take that from me.
hey guys unpopular opinion but you’re not a bad person if you don’t care about every bad thing happening in the world all the time, or if you do care but you’re not constantly reblogging posts spreading awareness and information
it’s okay if you’re just on tumblr to have fun and reblog things you like or that make you happy.
humans aren’t made to process trauma and suffering on a worldwide scale without any breaks whatsoever & the internet has created an unprecedented access to bad news so please never feel guilty for scrolling past it because you can’t process it! and you’re not doing anything wrong & there’s no need to feel guilty
Okay this is really important
I give so much of myself to the world for free everyday, and somehow I still always encounter people who tell me I should give more. I love myself and my gifts enough to know when to pull back. Self love and boundaries are so important for healers and givers. You can say no.
This is very true. I know how hard it is to pull back, but sometimes as a healer you have to remember to take time to heal yourself!
love is real and worth it and SO important to me it’s pretty much my entire political spiritual philosophical deal………you can be critical of how romantic love is commodified and dominated by heteronormative myths for sure but ppl out there like “love is fake” aren’t doing ANYTHING interesting or subversive……love is revolutionary bc the systems that oppress us are directly opposed to all kinds of love, interpersonal love and self love etc. they’re trying to drive it out of us. love as an action love as a choice love as something u cultivate and tend to is the best thing in the world and it’s at the absolute centre of my life
Queer Fiction Writer 